And now for the poems which show my new strength, the dealing, getting over, and putting the past behind...

PTSD
(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

You say it's making love
I say it's sex with caring
You say it is devoting oneself
I say it's lustful sharing...

I LOVE YOU ********** and I think I'm beginning to understand what do you mean by making love.
I understand it. I enjoy you. I love you.
Your fianc'e....**********

Vindication

Like dirty roaches - all so lame
You tried to stain my life and name
You raped me to walk that torturing path
You shall see how I'll be the last one to laugh!!!

~~~~REDRUM!!!!!~~~~~

Unstable Nights

As the shadows of night appear
In my bed I'll start to fear
Fear of my own nightmares...

(Kidnap)

Things unclear
Love disappears
Can't understand just why?
Give in to tears
Reveal my fears
And all those times I'll cry...

(rape)

All my dreams don't make a sense
I know they can't be true
I'm sure you'll never do those things
My subconscious has no clue.

Yet I can't understand (fuck no...)
How the white turns to black
How our love turns to hate
How the light turns to dark
And your train has gone-I'm late.

(Torture)

Just don't forget my dreams are fiction
None of them are true
I know you best
I know the truth
In those dreams it's NEVER you...

Dedicated to ***********
I love you.

My darkest Hours

Memories from the past are still visible, still seen
I can feel them in my soul; I can sense them on my skin.
Yet you help me ease my mind,
Yet I sometimes feel obscene,
Need to lock those scars away
Need forgetting age fifteen.

Relieve me from these demons
I know it's hard to do
I need your helping hands
So I can shift my view.

Memories from the past are haunting me day by day
I know it hurts you, I know you care
So when they appear, I just hide them away.

Nightmares come and nightmares stay
I constantly myself betray
Yet I trust the message you convey
So with your guidance I know I'll heal one day.

Forget their faces one by one
I know you want it too
Yet Time must pass and scars must fade
So in the mean time I'll concentrate on you.

So whenever I think of their uncontrolled acts
I know you'll be there to keep me safe and relaxed.

Dedicated to *********
I love you, And I will love you forever.
Thank you for always helping me, caring for me, understanding me, embracing me.

Healed

Mistakes from the past
Are still visible, still seen,
I wish I could erase them all,
And be the man I have not been.

Scars from the past
Wish I could forget, wish I could undo,
Deep and carved within my soul,
All the lies are true.

Healed my body, healed my soul,
Now I have my self control.

I wanna' be clean
Wash this dirt right of my back,
Would you brother fill me in
With all those things I lack.

My lack of confidence
And lack of believe,
I need my brothers' helping hands
For all I can achieve.

Healed my body, healed my soul,
Now I have my self control.

Tears are shallow,
Life is deep,
Say farewell to all the knifes
To those I will not keep.

Healed my body, healed my soul,
Now I have my self control.